I do not ever watch schlock such as Eclipse. Then my friend Shane asked me to watch the first one as he wanted to debate the film afterwards. As our debates are amusing as a rule I grudgingly agreed. I traipsed off to the cinema only to sit through an unbearable experience which, for weeks afterwards, Shane was fittingly blamed for.

But even the though the first New Moon film was utterly dreadful, I naturally had to see the second to find out ‘what happened’. And then, even the though the second New Moon film was more dreadful than the first, and Shane was once again blamed for my pain, I had to see the third to find out ‘what happened’. Well, that is my excuse for watching Eclipse and I am sticking to it.

The bad…

Perhaps the Chivas add that preceded the film should have been a heads up. It starts with some lone soul walking ‘upstream’ on a bustling New York pavement. (Like that concept hasn’t been done before?) The narrator babbles on about a ‘new way’, filled with integrity, honour, blah, blah, blah. I thought to myself, if this is an Investec add, I am going to vomit.

It ends with three okes sipping Chivas at a bar and the tagline reads, ‘Live with chivalry’. I nearly did vomit. Yes, we need an ethical overhaul, but Chivas ain’t gonna help jack. (Not Jack Daniels, Chivas.)

Back to the film… Eclipse is without doubt an improvement on the first two, but only marginally so. I would rate the first one at 20%, the second one at 30% and the latest instalment at 33%.

It takes soppy to a new level and advertises a set of morals that is as ludicrous as three okes sipping Chivas at a bar and living chivalrous lives.

Teenagers are daft. Do we need to feed them daft films? Films that advocate that we could, and in fact should, break all the rules for love? (Imagine the word love being pronounced with a Southern drawl.) That nothing else matters but being in love? (Southern drawl again.) And that you are only strong and courageous with love at your side.

Sure there are little subplots where good prevails and enemies work together towards a common goal, but that is not what you walk away with. Almost every character is in love. (Let’s switch to a French accent.) The good ones have been saved by love, the bad ones have been wronged by love and the ugly ones are not in this film.

The good…

There’s nothing. No, I am joking. Throughout the three films there is one aspect that has consistently been authentic – the relationship between Bella and her dad, Charlie. There is the ‘I am a virgin’ scene between them in Eclipse which is especially well scripted and well acted by two really good actors. Kristen Stewart can act. Watch ‘Adventureland’ as proof.

Conclusion…

Eclipse is shallow, soppy, overly long and not worth the R20.00 I paid for my Discovery discounted ticket.